Searching for the Cure
by Horror Beloved
Summary: Devi, still feeling the effects of insanity, reluctantly looks for the one who can help her. Are the wounds of the past too deep to heal? And now, the epilogue... (OOOOOOoooooh!) R/R
1. The Search Begins

Author's Note: This is my first JtHM/IFS comic. Exciting, isn't it? Well, I wanted to push the story a little further along getting some more of my own versions of character development in here and there. I didn't however, want to tie any knots between Nny and Devi or provide an end to the story, so basically all this does is add more to the story and perhaps provide some closure. If you don't like it, tough.  
  
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and I Feel Sick are created by and copyrighted Jhonen Vasquez, the most neato comic book person I can think of… SO THANK HIM FOR YOUR EXISTANCE!!! Now on with the show! Yay!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Devi sat alone in the corner of her room, surrounded by her paintings. Sickness was still with her. After what she did to that disgusting piece of work, it still followed her and haunted her mind constantly. She let out a sigh.  
  
* Aw, what's wrong, Devi? Disappointed you didn't get what you wanted? *  
  
"I didn't want you. I took away your power."  
  
* Yes, but that doesn't mean you're not a slave to something. *  
  
"I'm not a slave to you. That's a start," Devi muttered. She glared outside the blinds of the window. "There it is. My world. Soon once things get back to normal, you'll see everything I had to put up with. I'll bring you to my new job. I'll bring you on my dates. You'll be the sad tortured audience of my sufferings, just as I promised." She reached into her bag, and fondled the small metal screws. Those two jagged screws were all that was left of Sickness, besides her voice. It was quite an ordeal. The painting of a doll in the artist's likeness. The painting that became real. The doll that tried to overtake her creator. Devi refused. She jabbed Sickness' body back into the canvas and removed her two eyes, forever keeping them with her as a reminder. She gently let go of the screws. "I'll never win, but I won't let myself lose to you."  
  
The phone rang. Devi picked it up hesitantly. "Wet Jim-" Devi started with her usual routine attempt to drive away callers.  
  
"It's MEEEEE-heeeeeee!" said the familiar voice on the other end.  
  
"Oh, hi Tenna," she said, relieved.  
  
"I wanted to see how you were doing. I felt like it's been ages since we were together, watching the fat lady's death. Heh," Tenna said with a chuckle.  
  
"Yeah. Let me guess, you wanna come over and try to drag me into the world…?" Devi hissed.  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"You are so predictable, Ten."  
  
Tenna hastily joined Devi, knocking on her door. "It's me! Don't worry!" She shouted.  
  
"Come in." Devi stood up from her corner. "So, why are you here again?"  
  
"Devi, tell me it's over. You know, the whole 'losing my mind' thing. Please, you really need to get out now. You know, the world," said Tenna, sympathetically. "Don't you think you've hidden away long enough?"  
  
"If you're talking about him, then that's really not my concern anymore," Devi explained, referring to her best and worst date, Johnny C. He was so nice. He was sweet and intelligent.  
  
* But he pulled knives on you. *  
  
She was so close to becoming happy, and making him happy at the same time. For a second, she thought she was healed from her problems with him. He smiled at her sweetly. That was the last time she saw that side of him. He stormed out of the room, rambling that he was happy, then tried to kill her. Panic stricken, she kicked his ass, slammed his face into the mirror, and ran for her life. That was a new low for her, but she was getting over him. Or was she? He was the last person she had thought about before quitting her job.  
  
* Your friend thought he could fight. *  
  
She knew Sickness was referring to him. Why? What did it mean? What did that have to do with her?  
  
"Soooo….. If that's not the case, watcha thinkin' about?" Tenna inquired with a sly smile.  
  
"Nothing." Devi mumbled.  
  
"Then…. TALK TO SPOOKY!!!!" (squeek squeek) Tenna held out the little skeleton toy in front of Devi's face.  
  
"For the last time, get that thing away from me."  
  
Tenna patted Spooky on the head. "She loves you, Spooky. Don't worry, she'll warm up to ya someday. So, Devi, absolutely nothing is bothering you?"  
  
Devi let out a sigh, and looked down at the ground. It was an obvious look of torment.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Johnny sat on the hood of his beat up car, parked upon an abandoned lot set on a hilltop outside his usual area. It was dark, and clouds draped over the stars. The city was far away, so this time, there were no lights below him. No people to look down upon. He folded his arms for a moment to think, then took out a small book.  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
I've been away from my house for a month now, and I've yet to find the secret that will allow me to drain those excess thoughts and desires. I still can't help but think about how stupid some of them are. What hurts even more is to realize how stupid I've been. I've always known how fucked up my mind was, but I let it get worse. Looking down from this hill, I'm reminded of her. I still don't understand what I was thinking. I tried to kill her. I tried to kill her just like all the others. For the fear of her being like them. I know it's useless to assume that someone will hurt you, but it was frightening. I didn't want to lose that happiness. I took the advice of my worst half. No one can freeze happiness. I'm happy she's alive, but now I hate myself even more. Johnny C.  
  
He put the book down next to him, and looked down into the darkness below him.  
  
* You're always a slave to something. *  
  
Johnny would never accept this as true. No matter what, he would have control this time. His mind was what tormented him the most. He was sick, but he was intelligent. He figured there had to be a way to start over. He'd been from heaven to hell and back, so there had to be a way for him to flush out the past. He hated himself for giving in to desire, but to him, that's all anyone ever did. It was a world of slaves. Slaves to conformity, slaves to verbal abuse, slaves to love, slaves to insanity… He shook his head. The situation stunk. There would be no easy fix. He wondered what had ever happened to the voice of Nail Bunny, his only voice of reason. He thought about Devi again, and his attempt to apologize a few months after his mistake. He cringed. How could he have been so stupid…?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Devi followed Tenna outside. She was leaving her house. That could only mean one thing… trouble. The freaks and psychos were probably lining up for her now. While her date with Johnny was by far the most frightening and disturbing, she had seen it all. Vampires with smoke bombs. Gross brain eating zombies. Creepy horny teenagers with literally no brains at all. She had told Tenna everything, but of course she thought that she was exaggerating. Who in the right mind would believe such a load of bizarre crap? Tenna was there, however, when they tried to call him again. Johnny C, also known as Nny. After the police had done nothing to help or search his house after the attacks, Tenna had convinced her to call, predicting that he had fled by now to get away from authorities. He had picked up the phone. It was his voice, a hesitant weak "hello." Suddenly, there was a loud bang, and a shriek that was not his. Suicide? Or was he shot? Either way, she heard his body land on the ground, and the phone drop as well. He had died, she kept thinking to herself, to keep herself sane. He was gone. Tenna heard exactly what she heard on that phone. That was why she had never told Tenna about his call. That was why it disturbed her so. He was supposed to be dead, but he wasn't. She had snapped. She screamed into the phone, cursing him, explaining how horrible her life had become, cringing in fear because of him. She promised that she would be the one to make her happy. She would not accept his apology, and she promised that if he ever tried to kill her again, she'd lose her boot down his throat. She demanded he speak once more, screamed at him, shouting expletives, and hung up. That was the last time she ever heard from him.  
  
"Devi, hey! Snap out of it!" Tenna exclaimed. She poked Devi's shoulder.  
  
"So, where are we? Oh yeah." She looked up at the sign of the "Eat or Die" Chinese restaurant. They went in and sat down in a booth. "You're right, this is a good idea. I haven't eaten in days."  
  
"Devi, c'mon. Tell me what's bothering you! You'll feel better, you know I'm right!" Tenna demanded, giving Spooky a friendly little squeek.  
  
"It's just that… I'm… I…." Devi paused. "I think I'll order the chicken and noodles."  
  
Tenna smacked her forehead. "How can you so easily dodge the question of your friend?"  
  
* You don't want to tell her, do you, Devi? That you are becoming that monster you feared. You are just like your friend… *  
  
"Devi, you look sick. Are you sure you're not on crack?" Tenna asked, dully.  
  
"No!" Devi shouted. She stood up. "This was a bad idea. Let's just… go home. Ten?" Devi looked over at Tenna, who looked angered with her decision. "What?! I told you, I don't want to be here! I have enough to worry about already, so I'd rather just think about it and sort it out in MY room, without the world and without you!"  
  
Tenna stepped back. "What the fuck is your problem?! You tell me that nothing is wrong with you, and then you pull this 'I need to go think by myself' bullshit on me?! Jeezus, Devi! You really don't feel anything! Do you even remember the last time you smiled?! I've only tried to help, but you're beyond me now, obviously. You don't need MY help! Well fine! Go talk to your paintings all you want! Spooky and I will be home having fun while you mope!" With that, Tenna stomped out in a huff. Devi sighed. She didn't really mean for Tenna to get that angry, but she did want to drive her away for a while. She went back to her apartment.  
  
* So Devi, you want to talk a bit? Maybe reconsider the mistakes of your past and make a new future? Yessss…. I can still help you… make you invincible… capable of ANYTHING! Murder, revenge, fantasy, passion… You can have anything you want, Devi. What do you say we put the past behind us? *  
  
"Mistakes of my past, eh? The only mistake I made was ever creating you. But if not for that, you still would have showed up somehow. You're not me anymore."  
  
* True. Yes, I am me. But I have all your interests in mind. Don't you want that power? You could still be… *  
  
"Capable of anything. So Johnny was capable of anything. That's why he lived in a broken down hell shack and tried to kill me. That's why he hated himself. That's why he shot himself…. That's why… he still came back… I don't know… or want to know… much more about him… BUT WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THAT I WANT TO MURDER?! Who do you think I want revenge upon?! The only one who's really screwed now is me. I don't need your offers, and I'm not setting you free. You're through. I'm over you. I can just make something else, once I know what I want!…" She stood up and looked around. People were staring at her. She had been talking to herself. What a kick in the face. "Hmph." With that, she put her hands in her pockets and left for home.  
  
She opened the door to her apartment, then when wide eyed with surprise. Her expression then went back to its usual indifferent glare. "I should have known. What do you want?"  
  
Tenna stood there smiling. "Aw, c'mon. You're glad to see me, aren't ya? I know you are!"  
  
"No really. I'm not. I really need to get some work done. You know, work, the stuff you do alone without the meddling help of others." Devi took Tenna by the arm and led her to the door.  
  
"Devi! I may not be some caved up artist genius or anything, but I do know that when there's a problem, you gotta fix it! The first step-"  
  
"Get out Tenna!" Devi started to try and slam the door shut, but Tenna was still holding it open.  
  
"….The first step is to let someone hel-"  
  
"I don't need anyone's help! I don't want anyone's help! And maybe I don't even want to know what's wrong with me now! The last time, I found out that because I blew chalk into some kid's face when I was in first grade that I can never again have any hopes for my future in human relationships! What's next?! Do YOU want to see me become a homicidal freak who lives in an abandoned wreck and spends time chasing hopeful people around with knives?!" Devi shrieked.  
  
"Dear lord! It IS about him!" Tenna gave a great push, and Devi fell backwards. "As much as I love these door fights, I really think we ought to talk now. So this is about that… 'knee' guy?"  
  
"Nny… He was so nice… That's what I thought anyway. Just another slap in the face. Until I found out that I've started turning into him." Devi's voice was quite somber.  
  
Tenna blinked, a bit in shock. "What the-?!"  
  
"That doll painting, Sickness, it became a doll thing. It was real. Either that, or I've lost all my sanity." Devi sat up and rested her elbows on her knees. "She said that he led her to me. Sickness must be part of whatever made Nny…" Devi's eyes widened and she hugged her knees. "Oh god… he told me that he used to paint. He was intelligent. He was creative. They used him, and stole that. So his rerouting was just like what he said… acts of murder and insanity…. Beyond redemption!"  
  
"Ya know what? Don't worry about him. You're little doll painting telling you these things is probably just the manifestation of your anxieties. Anyway, there's nothing you can do now. He's dead. You heard it too. Probably suicide. Or maybe one of his OTHER victims. You never know," Tenna said with a shrug.  
  
"Then maybe I should tell you."  
  
"Tell me what?"  
  
"He called me. A while ago before I created Sickness. Dead people don't use our mortal phone lines, Ten. I just don't get it. I wish he had just stayed dead, but no. He called and I blew up at him. He deserved it, but apparently, it's done nothing for me." Devi glared at the phone. "In a way, I want him to call again. Sometimes I feel like he is my friend. Like someone I could relate to. But he scares the shit out of me. Is it really worth it?"  
  
"Sounds like you DO need to see him again. So… Let's go!" Tenna grabbed Devi's arm.  
  
"W-what the hell?!"  
  
"Listen, real friends don't know how to stop. So I, as a true friend, will drag your resisting weight across the ends of the earth until we find this 'knee' guy!" Tenna grabbed Spooky with a squeek and led Devi out the door.  
  
"No this is stupid! I don't want to see him!" Devi tried to pull away, but then began thinking about it. Maybe Nny could help her. With a sigh, she let Tenna pull her along.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
So, did ya make it through part one? Remember, R/R and I will be a happy little bunny. ^_^ 


	2. Hiding in the Alley

Friendly Author's Note: Well here it is: Part Two! You are excited, yes? Hope you like it, but I really didn't feel like losing sleep over this thing, so excuse some of the less developed areas. Oh, and the reoccurring characters and ideas on this page originated from the work of the world wonder, Jhonen Vasquez! Without him, you wouldn't be reading this today and I wouldn't be a homicidal- oh wait… I've said to much! Argh, just read dammit. READ!!!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tenna and Devi had driven a long way, having gotten lost several times. (A few months is a long time to avoid a person and forget where they live.) Devi was shaken as she stepped out of the car, facing the run down little place, made of what looked like scrap wood. Every window broken, and ominous signs left lying on the loose soil surrounding the place. She looked around to see that the houses next to his were ramshackle as well. "Remind me, what made me want to come here on our date? …Well, it was night. I probably wasn't paying enough attention." She rang the bell, surprised to hear a blood curdling inhuman shriek. She stepped back a little. "Oh no…" The door pushed open itself. It must have been unlocked. Or broken like everything else was now.  
  
"I'll just wait here for you… Nothing personal, but this place is kinda… scary," Tenna commented from inside the car.  
  
'True.' Devi thought to herself. The place was in shambles. The TV lay broken on the ground. Some knives were cluttered near a box full of torture restrains and Christmas ornaments. 'How charming.' She continued walking forward. "Johnny? Nny? Are you here? Answer me! Please…?" She noticed a stairway. Cautiously she stepped on the dry crackling wood. It was almost pitch black until she reached the bottom. Nothing on that floor but an empty knife wrack and some strange looking restraints attached to the walls. Also hanging around were movie posters for Aliens and Hellraiser. Some strange dark red splatters covered the walls and ceiling. She got the chills, then noticed another stairway leading down. She began running. Each floor she stumbled upon looked more and more sick and twisted. Some rooms were small and secluding, consisting of one large sinister device adorned in blades, spikes, restraints, levers, wiring, and switches labeled "fun." She finally reached the final floor. There was almost nothing there. Just a room with wooden racks and holders just tall enough to tie a person into. She felt like she had just covered at least fifteen stairways. Her mind was screaming, and she started to make her way back up in haste.  
  
Just as she was reaching the top, retracing her steps, she noticed on one of the upper floors a dimly lit room she had ignored and passed by on her way down. In the back there was a wall. It was surrounded by paint cans and paint brushes. Everything stained in red. A dry bloody wall full of cracks and holes. "So that's what happened to all those people… found drained of their blood… he paints his wall with it?" She remembered that! On the news that story was quite popular. And now she knew who the killer was. And now before her was a wall of human blood and entrails. Devi started to feel uncontrollably sick. She fell to her knees and threw up. Her body was forced to ignore the footsteps she heard from behind.  
  
"Devi?! Arg, that can't feel too good. Hold on, let me help." Tenna had followed her. It was a good thing this time, as Tenna helped Devi stand up. With Devi's hand on Tenna's shoulder, her other hand wrapped around her own stomach, they started to leave. Suddenly, they heard the door open and shut. Tenna's eyes widened. "Oh shit!" She yelled out loud. Only afterwards she realized her mistake.  
  
"Who the hell-?" Johnny exclaimed, hearing a voice and the clattering on the stairs. He slipped out a small blade from his boot and faced the shadowy figures that were clambering up. "Who…? Huh?!" Nny looked at the second girl behind Tenna. He stepped back, dropping his arms to the sides.  
  
"You're him?! That 'knee' person?" Tenna inquired loudly. "Wow! I've never met a real psycho before!"  
  
Nny ignored her, focusing his attention on the last person that he had expected to find inside of his house. "Devi?! What are you doing…?! Why are you…?!" He stammered, lost on what to say.  
  
Devi let go of Tenna's shoulder and approached him. She looked at him furiously for a moment. He looked back at her puzzled. She then lashed out, punching his left cheek, nearly knocking him down. "You sick little fuck!"  
  
Nny staggered backwards a few steps, then regained his balance. He narrowed his eyes, then turned away from her. "I don't recall inviting you. I just came back to get something here. I'll be leaving in a few moments. Feel free to do the same." He started to descend down the stairs.  
  
"Wait!" Devi shouted with an angry tone. "I came here to talk to you!"  
  
Nny stopped a moment. "About what?"  
  
"I wanted to… just talk…" she rambled on, unsure of herself. She followed him down, suddenly not as frightened but still feeling sick. "So, what did you forget here?"  
  
"A couple of movie posters. I knew coming back here just for them was a bad idea. So, you've seen the place…?" he mumbled nervously. Devi said nothing. "And you probably have me figured out…"  
  
"I don't think even God could figure you out."  
  
"I dunno. He wouldn't answer any of my questions. Euh, never mind that."  
  
Devi raised her eyebrow. "Um, Nny, can I ask you something?"  
  
"…All right." He grabbed the step stool from the other side of the room and dragged it to the wall where one of the posters was hung high up.  
  
"What happened that… that you became so…"  
  
Nny froze a moment. "…I don't know."  
  
"But you said you remembered that there was a time when your creativity was present through your work. You're art. You never showed me, though. Wasn't that true?"  
  
"All I have left are those old paintings. No memories. No ability to recreate that talent. Part of my mind tells me that I was a different, more intelligent person. But now it just feels like something tapped into my brain and stole all that… You wouldn't understand it. I don't even." Nny found the room with the posters and looked up at them, thinking about his conversation with Nail Bunny and the paintings that were stashed away in his car.  
  
"You'd be surprised," she replied, folding her arms and leaning against the wall.  
  
Nny started ripping the posters from the wall and rolled them up.  
  
As she spoke, Devi helped, taking down the posters on the other side of the room. "Nny… I think there is something I should tell you."  
  
Nny paused a moment, listening intently.  
  
"Sickness, this thing I created in my mind… she told me that you lead her to me. I don't know for sure what that means… but… I'm starting to think I have more in common with you than I really want to…"  
  
"Ah." Nny rolled up the posters under his arm and walked back upstairs.  
  
"Well?! Isn't there anything you can tell me? You can't just leave! I know you have to know something!"  
  
Nny spun around. "Listen, I'm sorry your delusionary hell has finally caught up with you, but for whatever you want, I have NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING!!! Don't you think I've asked myself over and over again, 'WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!' Fuck! Some people act like missing a test or losing a job is a big mistake! I've taken lives away hideously, acting as if I had no shred of remorse while my sanity was being drained and my actions manipulated! You've seen that wall, but you don't know what's behind it, do you Devi?! AND YOU WANT MY HELP?!"  
  
"Yes, I do! Who else is ever gonna listen to a load of fucking shit like this?! You helped bring me into this state of insanity! …Nny?"  
  
Nny continued walking out to his car. "I'm meeting a friend soon. Can we talk about this some other time?"  
  
"Fine. Fine! So when, god dammit?!" Devi shrieked, practically in hysterics. "Don't answer that. I'll be right here tomorrow afternoon. I'll expect to see you." Devi quickly turned away.  
  
Nny got in his car, saying nothing once more. He glared in his front mirror. His face was an unusual shade of red. "Maybe that's just from her punch." He felt nervous and uncomfortable again, like when she first asked him out. He didn't like the thought of being all giddy and scared in the midst of meeting with an intriguing girl like Devi, but after the mistakes of the past, he couldn't help but get that sickening feeling of apprehension. He started up the motor and left his house again. He hoped that maybe this time the voices wouldn't follow. He missed Nail Bunny. Even if it was just his own voice, Nail Bunny was the only one that reminded him of a better time and gave him hope. It was Nny's own fault that Nail Bunny stopped talking. He had let the Doughboys get too strong. They were gone now, back in hell with that monster from behind the wall… but Nail Bunny was gone too. He felt lonely again. "If I could talk with Nail Bunny again, what would he tell me? This shouldn't be too hard. He's my own self. The only one that remained under my control. Hmm… he'd want me to. But I'll have to be careful. I can use this to my advantage as well, I suppose. It's a shame to be so lonely. Figures, of all the lies I could have thought up, all the pathetic excuses, I just told Devi I was meeting a friend. A friend… I wish…"  
  
He drove into night. Wasted hours turned into darkness. No where in particular. He thought of going up to that hill to overlook the city under the stars once more, but Devi knew that place well. He didn't want to face her again just yet. There was nothing he could think of to say to her. Him help her? When they first went out, he hoped it would be the other way around. If only he hadn't tried to kill her. And now she was blaming her insanity on him. His own was enough to deal with. He kept driving around the city, still with no clue of where to go. He could always stop at a restaurant or the movie theatre, but he really didn't feel like dealing with people. He finally grew sick of circling the city. He stopped the car, and parked it. He stepped out and looked around. Just some strange buildings. They all looked abandoned. He walked around a bit. He passed by an alley where light flickered. Just some group of drunks surrounding a fire set in a garbage can. One of them looked strangely familiar in a scathing way. Nny passed by them without a second thought.  
  
"Holy fuck! After all this waiting…!" The familiar drunk left his group of half conscious numbskulls and quietly pulled something out of his tattered brown coat. With a disturbing and toothy grin on his unshaved dirty face, he followed the skinny young man as quietly as he could, recollecting the horrible expiriences he had because of that man.  
  
Johnny was starting to feel sick to his stomach. He hated thinking about what he would be forced to do the next day. His senses suddenly heightened, as someone crept up behind him. He spun around only to feel a sharp blow and hear a loud clang before hitting the ground and losing consciousness.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Nny awoke in a very similar position. It was the same type of position he had put others in. He could feel that his arms and legs were chained down. He was laid out eagle spread on a table. Very unimaginative. He tried to raise his head, but found that his neck was shackled down as well. He let out a soft sigh. 'So this is what that feels like.' In seconds he heard footsteps coming near him, and a disturbingly hoarse laughter. It wasn't a manic laughter, just one of spite.  
  
"Some say forgive and forget. But that was never YOUR motto, was it, faggot?" said the familiar voice. "You didn't cut my friends a break, so I won't do that for you! You ready to taste some of your own torture, you fucker?!" He was shouting now, like a raging beast.  
  
"I don't think I remember you. Sorry." Nny leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.  
  
"Oh you don't?! Well I remember you! Ever since that day, I've waited for this moment. You chased me. You at that 24/7 store disemboweled three of my friends and ran after me, but I got away! Now this is what the flip side is! Haaaahaaahaaa! Well, my name is Fed to let you know. You can tell all your little victims in hell that I killed you!"  
  
Nny strained to look at him, but couldn't move his head far enough upward. "Fed, eh? So this is what you call revenge? Attacking behind the back, impersonating your nemesis and avoiding eye contact. Hmm. Yeah, I remember now. You still remind me of when you ran from your friends. You didn't seem to worry so much about them then. I guess you weren't too worried before I ran after you when you and your so-called friends spray painted 'shit eater' on my car. Not the sentiment I wanted."  
  
"Shut up! I'm going to hurt you just like you did to them! You were asking for it when you parked that little piece of shit there, and you really asked for it when you tried to kill me, you uh… shit eater! I'm gonna make you cry you skinny little fag! I hope you don't mind some pain!" Fed took out a blade from behind his back.  
  
Nny just shook his head.  
  
"What?! You're not gonna cry? You're not gonna plead? Oh I'll fix that attitude!"  
  
"No. You're probably right somehow or another. I've probably had this coming for a while now." Nny closed his eyes. "I must admit, though. I didn't know you were so fucked up in the head."  
  
"Fine, then. Die you…. Fucker!" Fed brought the knife down, hacking into Johnny's left boot, slicing through the material, and into his flesh. Nny struggled a bit, wincing now. He tried to focus his mind on the coldness, the state of feeling nothing once more. Another slice up his shin to his knee. He bit his lip trying to picture that moon he once saw, the pale glowing light in the darkness. The only sounds he could hear was the ripping of his flesh as the raging drunk tore the knife through it. "Johnny, Johnny, you shit. You thought no one would ever take you down. Now are you better than me? Huh, huh?!" He ripped the knife away. Johnny opened his eyes to see Fed hovering over him. The enemies glared at each other, both relentlessly. Fed dangled the knife in front of Johnny's face. "How do you like it? Huh? This is your blood this time, sucka!"  
  
"So it is…." Nny muttered hoarsely, his eyes tightly shut.  
  
"Maybe I should gauge your eyes out now! How would you like that? Then I'll cut out your tongue and rip out your organs. The I can force you to admit that you're just a hopeless fucking little shit!"  
  
"If you cut out my tongue, how do you expect me to admit anything?" Johnny murmured flatly.  
  
"Don't play smart ass with me!" He then slammed the point of the blade into Johnny's stomach. Johnny let out a cry of pain, and his muscles tensed all at once. Fed brought it back out gingerly, as if aggravated by his actions. "Oops. Wouldn't want to kill you too soon!"  
  
Johnny's face distorted in pain. Fed smiled and then twisted the knife in the upper area of the wound and twisted it, peeling the surrounding skin and flesh upward. Johnny's breathing increased rapidly.  
  
Fed laughed. "What's the matter? Not gonna let it out and scream again? Stubborn little-"  
  
"…Fucker? …Shit? …Sucker? …You overuse those …words…" Johnny whispered. He tugged a bit with his arms, trying to slightly adjust his position. He then winced at the shots of pain from the open orifice in his stomach. Fed began to cut upwards, making a slit from the wound up to his upper chest. He laughed a maniacal laugh, fixated on causing pain just to cause pain. Revenge was always sweet to the ignorant.  
  
The urge to scream or cry out was dying down. The pain was starting to fade now. Nny didn't understand at first. But then he realized; he was going numb. He was dying. "Shit," he thought. It seemed he had just been reincarnated, and now he was being killed by a shadow of his former life. He didn't want to die. He still didn't have the answers he wanted. He still didn't know himself well enough. But it was inevitable. He was going to die. It would be there, in front of that pathetic excuse for a person, of course. But he had made it. Fed's idea of revenge was foiled. Johnny was gonna die and leave him with nothing but a bloody worthless corpse. No more crying or screaming. No more thoughts. Nny closed his eyes again. He couldn't feel anything now. The sounds felt far away. He was upset. Unhappy. But he wasn't scared now. He smiled. Just a little, and pictured Devi. She was just like him, eh? Wasn't life screwy… It was dark. The sounds were fading… system… d o w n…  
  
"Dammit! Stop smiling! Fuck!" Fed stabbed the knife into Johnny's face, driving it deep between the blank eyes. He gauged them out and ripped at the hair, enraged that he had let the killer die too soon. "…shit. YOU SHIT!!!" Enraged, Fed ripped the restraints apart and flung the limp and mangled body against the wall. He stomped upstairs, turning the basement light off.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Nny's house was as empty as ever. Devi sat just out on the concrete path, waiting for Johnny to come. She had been sitting there for hours, thinking about how stupid she was to keep waiting like a fool. The sun set below the horizon, and a sudden blanket of winter's darkness enveloped her. She stood up, looking at her watch. "Fuck."  
  
Devi leaned back against the wall of her apartment. It was two days after their scheduled date. She couldn't help but hate Johnny for leaving her there. "I just don't get it, Ten. He said he'd meet me there. Do you think he… doesn't care after all? I was hoping he could help me… But he wasn't there. Do you think something happened?"  
  
"Maybe he got scared. I mean, you said it, he has issues. Maybe he just wasn't ready to be out with anyone." Tenna suggested, upset to see Devi so frantic inside. "She carries such a burden. I wish I knew what to say."  
  
"Kills… Never gets caught…. Never gets…. Phone! That's it! He always used to call, and when I called and hoped he wouldn't answer, he did! He's always there. He's always been there." Devi picked up her portable. She quickly dialed the number, than waited uncomfortably. It rang once. Twice. Thrice. She let out a sigh. It kept ringing. No answer. "Why would he run away from me? Oh, Tenna. I thought he still cared… How could he be such a coward?"  
  
"Devi…" Tenna whispered sympathetically. To her, Devi looked delirious.  
  
She pressed the off button. "S-so he's not home. Someday he'll be back. I'll just try again later. Tenna, I really need to finish this painting, so please leave now. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe."  
  
"Fine… I'll leave you alone. Just, remember, no more evil dollies, kay? And if anything else goes wrong, please let me know!"  
  
"Okay," she replied. She watched sadly as her friend left, wondering if it was a mistake to keep sending her away like that.  
  
* Devi, do you really think I can be gotten rid of just like that? What do you really expect that slave to do for you? *  
  
"I don't know, but it has to be more productive than listening to your sick voice. Know this, I will shut you up, Sickness!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
MEANWHILE: ( Johnny's Past-times in the Past! Wee-Hoo!  
  
Author's Note: I recognize that some in the audience may be missing the usual antics of our favorite homicidal villain here, Nny. Plus, there's been a sudden serge of death causing a delay in the regularly scheduled fanfic. So to keep you entertained while Johnny is waiting in the abyss of nothingness, here is an audio tape recording of one of Johnny's less recent killings!  
  
Pushes 'play'  
  
Random Asshole: No please! You don't know what you're doing! Just let me go and I promise not to use the word faggot ever again! Please? I promise! I promise!  
  
Johnny: People really need to learn some of the more fundamental lessons of life. One of them being, well, keeping aware of the consequences. If you really valued your life, did you ever think that it might have been rude to talk shit to your friends about a stranger like me?  
  
Random Asshole: Well gawd, you're a skinny little freak! You were just asking for it! I mean, who doesn't call you a fag? You look like a fag! And you dress all fucked up too! Wait… I'm not helping myself am I?  
  
Johnny: No. You're not. I'm gonna start the machine now, so let me know if it's not painful enough. It should be excruciatingly unbearable.  
  
Random Asshole: Gulp  
  
Clanking sound followed by a steady buzzing  
  
Random Asshole: No! NO!!! STOP!!! ARGH! PLEASE STOP! I PROMISE!!! AUGH!!! Ugh… AIEEEEEEEEE!!! (Author's Note: Don't look at me! I don't know what the hell was going on there! Yeesh.)  
  
Cracking and shredding sounds  
  
Random Asshole: GYAAAAAH!!! URRRRRRGH!!! ST-STOP!!! N-N-NOOOOOOO! AH! OWWWWWW!!!! KYA!!! YOU FUCKER!!! AGH!! AUGGGGGH!!!! JEEZUS NO! GYUUUUH! FRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!  
  
Johnny: Insert insane laughter here  
  
Random Asshole: UGH!!! Guuurrrrgle….. cough…. Hack… choke…  
  
Final ripping noise  
  
Johnny: See, that wasn't so bad.  
  
Turns off player  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Author's Note: See, wasn't that fun? Unfortunately, you'll still hafta wait another eternity to see what happens to poor Nny. But written in our next chapter is one of an infinite number of possible results. And remember: *Chibi Nnie marches across page with a little sign R/R sign* 


	3. Confessions

Author's Note: Here's the last and longest chapter. Um… Due to lack of sleep, I have nothing much to say… Sorry. There will be an epilogue after this. Just not yet.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Nny opened his eyes. "Lemme guess. I'm dead." He stood up. Jagged wounds covered his body. He couldn't even see how disfigured his face looked. "F-fuck! That still hurts…" He felt tinges of pain on his nose bridge. He felt the crushed bones and wet boiling flesh hanging off. "Shit! Dammit! Oh damn….! This REALLY DOES HURT!" After letting his pent up hysteria out, Nny looked around wide-eyed again. "Heaven? …or hell?" It was hell. But it was an empty area. Suddenly Johnny heard a voice behind him.  
  
"Back so soon, Nny? And this time, you're really dead. How… interesting. Nny, you are really dead this time, but it was still a fluke. I've received numerous complaints from the upper worlds that there has been a sudden unexpected shift. They demand I put you back again. Annoying, isn't it? And I was looking forwarding to observing your behavior here. Well, I'm sure this comes as no disappointment to you." It was he. Senior Diablo himself.  
  
"You're right, I think, Mr. Satan. I didn't really want to die, but what's there going to be for me when I get back? I'm getting tired of this limbo. You know, kill, die, kill, die… By the way, can you um, fix this?" Nny asked, pointing to his injuries.  
  
"Sure whatever." The devil raised his hand and said something spooky. The flesh wounds on Johnny's body slowly mended and the wounds closed until they disappeared. Nny smiled at the comfort of not being covered in his own entrails. The devil simply smirked. "Apparently, you're services are needed a bit longer. You'll soon expire though. Just like the rest, you will quietly die I'm sure. Funny, you really don't have much left to live for. Except maybe her. Now, if I was a creature of morals, I might suggest you use your time to help her. It seems you two have a lot in common these days. But I would suggest that you simply have fun. After all, now you know that you can't permanently die or get caught. You could go back to your old self and play like there'd be no tomorrow. Doesn't that sound fun?" the devil asked, smiling his evil smile.  
  
"No. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't really want this mind of mine. I don't want those… things that control me. I don't even like what I think and what I do. It's become sickening." Nny folded his arms as he spoke.  
  
"Are you saying you want change? A new life? Maybe some of the happiness the more ignorant ones around you feel?" The devil started to tempt.  
  
"Are you joking? That wouldn't do. As messed up as my mind is, I don't think I need to get stupid to get happy. There's got to be another way…."  
  
"I can help you Johnny. I can give you anything you want. I can-"  
  
"Can what?! Give me a magical cure for my eternal soul or something? I don't want to be your slave either, and I don't need a quick fix. I need something that will have a more profound effect than some fucked up hocus pocus, and I want to keep all my intelligence in tact. Those rebellious voices they foster in my mind... I won't ever be slave again! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!!!" Johnny screamed. He retained his calmness, then shot the devil a look as cold as his own. "…And I won't die quietly."  
  
"Oh look. Time to send you back. Little man, good luck on your own. Have… fun. Oh, by the way, after all the damage you've done to the universe by dying, the process of sending you back is well, backed up by a few months. Not that you will feel anything during that period of time. There are so many things that must be fixed. You understand, right?"  
  
"But I had a meeting with someone today and-" Nny started. He suddenly felt himself fading. In a poof of smoke, he was out of hell and trapped in darkness. Waiting. Waiting. Unable to move. Unable to hear or see. Unable to think.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
(Seven months later…..)  
  
He woke up. The world was there again. Unlike last time, it didn't seem so mystical anymore. And he still felt like himself, no wiser. He realized then, that he did not recognize the place he was in. 'Oh shit! This is that Fed guy's basement! Kind of funny, me being trapped in the basement of someone else… That won't last long though.' He quietly tip toed up the stairs, and opened the door silently. Painstakingly, he peered beyond the door to see that no one was around. The house was silent. He sauntered out of the house, but then took a moment to memorize the house number and what street it was on. His house wasn't that far away. He walked back home easily.  
  
By late night he was finally back in his house. 'So, what's a person to do upon returning from the dead… twice?'  
  
* Perhaps you feel like talking to someone? *  
  
"Shut up. I really don't." Nny snarled, refusing to look at Reverend Meat.  
  
* Aw, Johnny. You try so hard to ignore me and return to your own foolish agenda. But how can it be possible for you to not have anything to talk about? I sensed it when you left this world. That's not something that's supposed to happen everyday to humans, but in your case, you've gone rather unnoticed. *  
  
"You…. You disgusting little burger toy! Why are you still here?!" Johnny screamed, grabbing the burger boy off the shelf and smashing it against the wall. It shattered instantly, and the pieces clanged against the floor. Nny went into the other room, upset as usual. He wondered where his car was. 'Shit. My books, those old paintings. Doubt I'll find them now.' Nny picked up a piece of paper from one of the shelves, and found a pen. Making himself comfortable on the dry wooden floor, he wrote.  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
I really do feel nothing now. I must be beyond redemption at this point. Death and resurrection meant nothing. I would die a hundred times and each would be more meaningless than the last. I can't change my feelings, no matter how I try. The gradual process is always interrupted by an outside force stronger than I am. I can't change what I want, but I can still never have what I want. But I can't die either. Can't live. Can't die. So no matter what, I'll always be here, writing these words thinking these thoughts and hoping for more of what will never be… I still wonder if she will come again, or try to call. But that's over. Time has elapsed, leaving me at where I stood before. I never even asked if she had forgiven me.  
  
Johnny C.  
  
  
  
Nny crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it across the room. Those feelings were out now, but no one to talk to. 'You blew it again. You had her, and you lost. That should teach you just how worthless love is.' Those were his own thoughts. They were just as displeasing as the words from his external voices. He needed Nail Bunny, but that part of him was gone, drained of its energy and ability to function. He noticed it was night. He wasn't tired, but his body felt heavy and weak from returning from the underworld. He lied down on one of the flat torture devices, avoiding the metal spikes. The window was in sight, and outside, the moon. He sat up and opened it, to get a better view of the sky. The beautiful moon shining over the billions of stars hailing it. How he would love to live up in the skies, where every star was either appreciated for it's beautiful glow, or its astrological position. There was coldness up there, but not the kind that invoked malice and hatred. Only the coldness that kept the stars together, yet apart. He felt tears run down his cheeks. 'I'm crying again? Shit.' He sat up and looked towards the phone. He couldn't call her. Not after leaving for so long. But how he wished she would call him. Ease his mind. Let him find her again. ((Blatant Cowboy Bebop song reference! Right there!) He thought of how beautiful she looked on their date. She was beautiful, but not for the reason assholes and maggots think of. It was her smile, her laugh, and the connection in their words. To think he came so close to kissing her. The ache welled up in his body. That longing that had never been satisfied. He could have held her, kissed her, and it could have meant something. It was taking its toll. Even physical torture could not overcome the longing. He felt it in his heart too, when he remembered his mistake. 'Oh god. What's wrong with me? I can't go on thinking like this. The answer is still the same. If I can achieve coldness, maybe I'll never ache again.' He snickered slightly remembering things he'd heard from people his age. Pleasuring themselves in times like those, or finding temporary pleasure in any other person vulnerable to succumb to it. How could he be jealous of such a stupid quick fix? Temporary pleasure was his antithesis. He wanted nothing to do with it. Real happiness, however, seemed too far beyond reach, like the idea of redemption. Nny shuddered slightly. All that was fine with him, but why was he still so lonely? It certainly wasn't the first night that he longed for someone to confide in. Especially Devi. He liked her. He liked her.  
  
He felt like his emotions were spinning out of control, like he could run outside and murder anyone in his path. Usually, that was what would happen, but today would be different. 'The first step towards some type of change is not to succumb to the old ways.' Johnny usually hated sleep. He still did even at that moment. But if sleeping could take him away from the dangerous passions of his mind, it was necessary. Question sleep and all it's motives. 'I hate sleeping. I hate waking up, not knowing all of what I remembered from before. But now, what good are those memories? I short rest to flush out the mind shouldn't affect my awareness too much. I can only hope.' He couldn't even remembered the last time he slept. He closed his eyes, and concentrated on not moving, and slowly drifted into his world of dreams.  
  
He woke up a few hours later, shivering violently. He barely remembered the incoherent visions of his dreams. He felt dazed, like he had just mingled with a shit-load of hallucinogens. He was, however, happy that those feelings were gone from his mind. "But shit, why do I feel so damn cold?" He looked up and noticed he had left the window open. 'Fuck. Now I feel even worse and… * Ah-choo! * Oh jeezus.'  
  
  
  
He stood up and scratched his head. 'Okay, so I gave myself a chill or two. I'm fine…' He was sick and tired of sitting in and pondering his defects. He knew what was wrong with himself, but what good would it do to if he didn't have the fix? He needed to get out again. It wouldn't do much, considering his lack of friends. He still felt that nagging need to get happiness in whatever way possible. He needed a Brain Freezy. He went into the main room, and grasped the door handle.  
  
* Leaving, Nny? What do you plan to do this time? *  
  
Nny spun around. "You?!" Indeed, Reverend Meat stood tall on the ground, completely intact. "But I just…! I just…! Shit. What's the use? I'm going to get a Brain Freezy…. Achoo!"  
  
* God bless you, Nny. *  
  
"Shut up."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Nny entered the 24/7 store, prepared for the usual shit. Alone, in front of the store, just him and a freezy. It was the best plan he had. He felt more dead and sleep deprived than usual. Being resurrected wasn't easy. He went into the back, and plucked the largest cup out of the holder, quickly pushing the small horizontal lever on the machine, filling his cup with Cherry Doom. He put the top on and grabbed a straw, heading to the counter like a sleepwalker. Putting the cup on the countertop, he looked curiously at the cashier. He was asleep. 'So that's why the machine is still on this late… er, early,' Nny thought to himself. He knocked on the counter a few times. The middle-aged man awoke with a start.  
  
"Huh?! Wha?!" He looked around from side to side, then his eyes fell on his customer. "Crud. Listen, sorry bout that. Don't go and tell my boss or anything…" He yawned and rang up the price of the icy beverage.  
  
Nny tapped his fingers, pushing his urge to viciously slash the prick in half to the back of his mind.  
  
The man looked back at Johnny, his sunken eyes and slumping posture. "Hey kid, get some rest. You look worse than I do. Oh! That'll be three dollars and forty-two cents."  
  
"That sounds better than I feel. Here." Nny reached into his pocket and pulled out three dollars and thirty cents worth in change. "Ugh…? Fuck! I just…! Arg…"  
  
"Well, I've made my mistakes, as I'm sure you know. Just give me what you've got. That'll be fine," he said, pushing the cup towards Johnny.  
  
"….Well…. as long as it's not for sympathy… and I really am thirsty…" Nny pushed the change forward. "So, what's a generally friendly person like you working in this cesspool?"  
  
"Well, I've never really been big on working. And I guess I wasn't creative or rich enough to make it like I wanted to. It's a disappointing situation, really."  
  
"So you're an artist of some kind?" Nny asked sleepily, semi interested.  
  
"I guess. Yeah. My work ain't that great. I met this young woman just a few weeks ago, she was an amazing artist. She said she's had tons of problems, but she was so talented. Used work for a publishing company, Nerve I think, making covers and illustrations and such."  
  
Nny's brain clicked in, and he pounded both hands on the counter. "Who?! Do you remember her name?!" He picked up the Brain Freezy, removed the straw and top, and started to take a sip.  
  
"Uh… not really… Debbie, or was it Deli, no that's stupid…" he said, rubbing his chin in thought.  
  
Nny choked and downed the icy sugar beverage in one gulp. 'Big mistake…' he thought, cringing as his mouth and head froze over. He took a moment to warm up again, and then looked back to the clerk. "Devi?" Johnny asked, rather compulsively.  
  
"Yeah! That's it!"  
  
Johnny stomped his boot up on the counter and grabbed the clerk's shirt. "Do you know where Nerve Publishing is?!"  
  
"It's in my address book, but…." He took it out reluctantly with a pen. Johnny grabbed them both, flipped to the section, and scribbled it on his hand. "Uh, sir, I really didn't want to…"  
  
"Oh! Yes, sorry, here's your book and pen back!" He practically flung the objects over the counter and bolted from the store, running as if to make up for the lost time. As he started to calm down and slow down a bit, he smiled to himself. 'So there are nice people left in the world, people who would help me for better or worse!' That was enough to make his morning, but he figured it was as good a time as any to see her again. He followed the address written on his hand, and quickly found the right building. It was huge. It was ugly. Big companies like that always had big ugly buildings.  
  
An hour later, Nny left the building, Devi's address written on his other hand. It hadn't taken much threatening to get the asshole boss of Nerve to give him that classified information on her. He killed the boss afterwards anyway. He was, after all, an asshole.  
  
Slowly, like a shy little child, he approached the apartment building. He ascended up the stairs to find her room. Her home.  
  
"So! Mister "knee" person! You came to see Devi too?"  
  
Nny spun around to see Devi's friend, Tenna, standing behind him, skeleton squeek toy in hand. "Um, who the hell-?"  
  
"Oh yeah! I guess we haven't really introduced ourselves yet. Mister "knee person," I am Tenna, and this is Spooky!" (Squeeeeeek)  
  
"How…. Interesting…" Johnny was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.  
  
"Hmm…. You look upset. Strange, it seems I've been surrounded with exceedingly depressing people these days…. Hmm… TALK TO SPOOKY!!!!" She flung the deformed dog toy into his face.  
  
"No thank you." Hmm… Johnny thought. I wonder if Devi would mind too much if I killed this girl. He shook his head in disapproval of the idea.  
  
"Fine. Fine, I can take hints and all. I'll let you go see the sulking one now, but watch out; she gets cranky this late… er, early. Byeeeeeeeeee!" (Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!)  
  
He knocked on the door.  
  
"Ugh… Shit." Devi stood up. The first night of sleep she was having in a while and SOMEONE was disrupting it. "Probably Tenna. I'm gonna shoot her." She went to the door and checked the security system. Organism behind door: Unknown male. Prepare self with sharp and pointy object. "Goddammit! Why me…" She trudged to the drawer and pulled out a knife, discreetly hiding it behind her back. "Who's there…?" she asked, slowly pulling open the door. "NNY?!" She glared at him wide eyed for a moment, then her expression reverted back to a tired aggravated look. "You. Why are you here?"  
  
"Well um… you had wanted to-"  
  
"Where the fuck have you been?!" Devi shouted.  
  
"It was an emergen-"  
  
"No, no. I don't even want to know. Just get in here, you little shit."  
  
"Hmm… I've heard that before…." Johnny replied. He stepped in, then leaned back against the side wall. "Well?"  
  
"Well what? You came here," Devi muttered flatly.  
  
"I felt bad. It wasn't exactly my fault, but it wasn't nice… so is there anything you still want to tell me before I leave?"  
  
"I don't know. This isn't easy. I think I'm still losing my mind. I can feel it slipping. I could feel the parallels showing. I don't want to be like this! I don't want to start liking people or being forced into this world, but I'm sick of being so unsure… about myself or my future."  
  
"You don't want to become as fucked up as I am," Johnny added.  
  
"Nny, I'm not gonna lie to you. And you're right, I don't want to become like you. But you're the only one that can help me. Since you've helped to bring this on, I'd say you at least owe me something, so help me, god dammit!"  
  
"How? I can't even help myself. You saw what happened. What I did to you. And you still want me to help you?" Nny slid down the wall, and sat on the ground, thinking to himself.  
  
"Fuck, you started this! Now get off your ass and help me fix it! At least I'm doing something. You don't see me impaling anyone with knives, do you? Huh?!" Devi shouted.  
  
Nny looked at the ground. Maybe he should have just stayed dead this time. 'No!' He thought. 'There's got to be more to someone's life than this. Some revelation I've missed, something I'm searching for. Maybe it's not my past and where I came from… but what's happening now and where I'm going…' He bit his lip.  
  
"Well?! Hey you, speak!" Devi shouted again, standing above him.  
  
"How?" he grunted. Devi glared at him quizzically. "How do I fix this?"  
  
"That is what I've been asking. Are we dancing in circles, it seems?" Devi yawned. "Ugh, oh sorry. I haven't gotten much sleep lately."  
  
"I hate sleep."  
  
"You ever wonder if the answer is something so simple as just getting a good night's sleep?"  
  
"No. I've slept before. It doesn't change much other than leaving you unaware of yourself. Nothing good ever came to me through sleep."  
  
"Understandable. It does disrupt my work."  
  
"You still work constantly with your paintings? How nice it must be to still have enough of yourself left to do that." He said enviously.  
  
"Look around, Nny. These paintings are unfinished. They're terrible." She pointed to a group of canvases lined up against the wall. "No soul or meaning to me as a person. No real talent even, just my anger and current mood poured out in fits of rage. I never know how to finish these. They don't come out the way I want them to, so I've just been leaving them like this. Incomplete. Mostly blank. It's not art anymore."  
  
"Oh." Nny rested his chin in his hands. "I wouldn't know about art now anyways…"  
  
"So… those 'friends' you had talked about, on the phone back then, are they your… your voices?" Devi sat down facing him.  
  
"Yeah." Nny replied. "There were three of them. The doughboys, and Nail Bunny."  
  
Devi raised an eyebrow. "Having a talking doll with screws for eyes sounds nice now…"  
  
"Yeah, well… I don't know how it works, but sometimes it seems that there is something controlling all this. Where we assign our voice to, what happens to that object, the subtle changes of what it inevitably wants to become, and what that does to your mind. Nail Bunny was my friend. He was the one voice that I owned and had control over. He warned me not to listen to the others. He told me I was being used…. And for all that time I had thought I was enjoying myself. But they knew. They knew what Nail Bunny had told me. They started moving on their own, and shortly after, Nail Bunny's voice disappeared. They now expected me to give in to them. I thought I could fight…"  
  
1 * Your friend thought he could fight… *  
  
"I didn't get any control. Instead I let myself get killed and never saw the creature I was trying to suppress behind that wall…"  
  
"Wall?! You mean that bloody one?!" She said with a start.  
  
"Yeah. I guess I never mentioned that to you. If there was no fresh coat of blood on it, it would go soft, and something would push through. I thought I could suppress it in its prison on my own, but instead I was only feeding it. It got out and destroyed everything. Not that I minded, but I never even got to see it. It manipulated me, and I never saw what it looked like. After that, the doughboy's stopped talking too. But that's where a newer voice came in. He's even worse than the doughboys. He followed me everywhere, he still does. He tries to tell me to give in to my needs and desires. I don't think that would do anything for me anyway, but to have a stupid little toy that tempts you… that's just not right… so I decided to leave it all behind. I thought if I could somehow kill those excess desires, those vulgar ideas left in my mind and become as cold as possible, then I could rebuild from there. That was what I wanted to be the cure. …but now I'm starting to doubt if I can accomplish even that. And that stupid toy is no help. All he tells me is to act on my every desire and do anything that drives my needs as a feeling creature. It scares me to think that he could be right. Then that would mean, for me, that there is no cure." Nny looked out the window. "Hmm… the stars are bright tonight."  
  
"Yes, it's very pretty… perfectly clear sky…" she looked over to Nny, who was sitting uncomfortably in the corner. "It reminds me of the sky we saw, looking down on the city that night, doesn't it?" Devi smiled inwardly. Nny was talking with her. Agreeing with her. Just like back then. The wounds were healing, perhaps. She couldn't help it. She always loved the way he spoke so honestly. The way they agreed with each other and could look down on society or up at the stars. She smiled at him, drawing closer, with hope to redo that moment the right way, the way it should have happened before Nny went insane.  
  
Nny turned slightly pale, unsure of what to say.  
  
"We could always start over, and try to find the cure together. I didn't want to tell you before, but when I was trying to confront Sickness, I learned about a mistake I made in the past. But if there's a way to fix the sickness inside my mind, then maybe I'll be allowed to start over and have a normal life again."  
  
"A normal life… is that really what we are driving for?"  
  
"I don't know, but it seems better than what we've had before." She looked at Johnny with gentle, yet serious eyes. Nny looked back at her tensely. She took his hand quite suddenly, and he jumped a little. "Nny, will you help me with this?"  
  
"I-I…" He stammered, more tense than ever.  
  
* Yes, this is what you want, isn't it? The beautiful night with the lovely girl whom you know is the object of your undying affection. Now is your chance. Make up for all those lonely nights. Give yourself the relief you have always wanted. Love as you have never loved another person before. Give up your search for coldness. Johnny C, you are a feeling human. No matter what, that will never change. But with her, you will not feel the pain of isolation. * Johnny knew this voice well. The unmistakable voice of Reverend Meat, the burger boy toy that he had told Devi about. 'He followed me here?!' Johnny thought. He stood up, trembling.  
  
"Nny? What's the matter now? Nny?!" Devi reached out to put her hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away fiercely. "Nny… isn't this what you want?"  
  
"I can never have what I want." He stood up, put his hands in his pockets and slowly sauntered to her door, following the dim flickering lights in the hallway.  
  
"Nny! Where are you going? Johnny, stop! You shit, Nny! You…"  
  
Johnny stopped. He stood still shaking from head to toe. "What do you want from me?"  
  
"Will you at least tell me… Tell me that I have someone to talk to?" she asked, silently reliving the lost moments of the past in her head.  
  
For a mere few seconds that lasted an eternity, neither of them said nothing. Finally, Johnny broke the silence. "Yes… Just give me some time." The slammed the door shut, and leaned back against it. He was gone again. For a minute she wasn't sure whether she was happy or sad. She was confused. Suddenly, she heard something in the back of her mind. A blood curdling scream that faded into a whimper. "Sickness?! She exclaimed out loud. "Sickness…?" She smiled slightly at the silence she heard. She didn't quite understand, but she had frightened the demon from her own mind. With a slight feeling of victory, she slumped down into her chair. The knot in her stomach starting to untie, she plugged the phone back into the wall. An art book she had only gotten halfway through rested on the table. She reached for it, until she heard the phone ringing for the first time in quite a while. She picked it up but said nothing.  
  
"Devi? You there?"  
  
"Oh. Hi Tenna." Devi mumbled, dazed.  
  
"Devi, it's been almost a week! How long did you say you needed to work?! I've been waiting for YOU to call. Jeezus! I'll be there in a bit, okay?" Tenna suggested.  
  
"Oops…" murmured Devi, as she realized that she had completely forgotten about her friend again. But she had a feeling things would be different now. "…Tenna, get over here!"  
  
"You know I am. C'mon, you like it when we talk. Admit it. I'm bringing Spooky!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Well, that's it for part three. And for the story, really. I'll add the epilogue soon. ….Mmyep. 


	4. Epilogue: Chances for Hope

Author's Note: Thanks for the support! Oh, and sorry that this section is so short. ( Damn! That rhymed, didn't it?! Oh well. Enjoy, for it is done…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Epilogue: Devi (Two weeks later)  
  
Devi woke up after very little sleep. She was still thinking about Johnny C, the stranger who always left. He didn't seem quite as sick anymore, but she got the feeling that there were still many barricades blocking her from him. He was different. He had given her everything he knew about his disease. Every so often, he would call, and they would talk about nothing at all. It seemed that she was needing him less and less. In a strange way, that frightened her. A week later, she called him just to talk, but found that he wasn't home. After secluding herself for a day and feeling like the world was crashing, she realized that nothing was wrong. The last evening she had gone out to a movie with Tenna. She was actually having fun again.  
  
Stranger still, Sickness's voice had left her. No longer did she hear the voices in her mind, and no longer could she find the screws that were left of Sickness. The damage was wearing, but there was still room for self- improvement and the hope of finding a fate more valuable than just work alone. She wondered to herself how much more she wanted from him. She wondered why being with him always felt so right, but at the same time, so risky. Finally she decided to visit him, to confront him face to face and see if he still runs away. It was quite early and foggy as she got in her car, and retraced the route. After hours of getting lost, she parked in front of his pitiful house, looking more abandoned and imprisoning than before. She knocked on the door, resisting the urge to ring that creepy doorbell, and noticed that once again the door was unlocked. She let herself in and closed it behind her. "Nny!" She shouted. "Nny, are you here?" There was no response. She was about to leave when a pile of crumpled up papers caught her eye. They reminded her of their old conversations about how Johnny used to love to love art and drawing. He explained how his work had debased into those stick figures, or something like that. She wondered if those were new attempts. She picked up the first ball of paper and unraveled it.  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
I really do feel nothing now. I must be beyond redemption at this point. Death and resurrection meant nothing. I would die a hundred times and each would be more meaningless than the last. I can't change my feelings, no matter how I try. The gradual process is always interrupted by an outside force stronger than I am. I can't change what I want, but I can still never have what I want. But I can't die either. Can't live. Can't die. So no matter what, I'll always be here, writing these words thinking these thoughts and hoping for more of what will never be… I still wonder if she will come again, or try to call. But that's over. Time has elapsed, leaving me at where I stood before. I never even asked if she had forgiven me. Johnny C. (Author's note: LOOKIE!!! REDUNDANCE!!!)  
  
  
  
Devi bit her lip after reading it. That "she" must have been her... She looked at it speechlessly, not quite sure what to think of the death and resurrection bit. She folded the letter and laid it down next to her.  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
A few nights ago, I had found her again, and left. It didn't feel like something I wanted to, or needed to talk about. She told me all about her problems, and I shared mine as well. But that was all, just the past. I assume that was why her feelings towards me were so intimidating. How could I tell her that I would help, if that would only lead me back into the cycle that has caused me so much pain? It doesn't matter. I agreed of course. That's why I think I should leave now. I don't need to feel sorry for anyone right now. I have issues of my own to work out. First I think I'll get me some nachos. That need to consume is back again… can't… resist… cheese dip… Johnny C.  
  
She raised an eyebrow. I certainly find the weird ones all right… She picked up the second to last one.  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
Those chills did turn out to be a virus of some sort. It's rather nasty to have one of those when you have very little heat in your house. I hate coughing and sneezing, but who doesn't, I guess… Every so often, I think about friends I could have had, people I could have spared, and even want to cry. There's nothing wrong in letting those feelings out if the reason can be justified by a need that deep. I've lost my ability to make judgments. Maybe it's good that I'm realizing that I had taken an imaginary position of power in the past, but that means now I can no longer find the reasons to kill. I've been staying in for too long. The cold still gets to me, and leaves me shaking at night. It's cold now. Wishing for warmth only makes me feel sick. Can't stop shaking. Don't want to cry. Can't sleep. Don't feel like writing now… Johnny C.  
  
  
  
Devi touched her cheek, feeling the pangs of pity and guilt in her heart. 'Nny, why can't you find someone who could help YOU?!' She put that entry into her pocket, to remind her of just how fragile sanity could be. Just how fragile a life was. She didn't want that for herself, or for him. Tears welled in her eyes, she took the last on into her trembling hands. As she looked upon it, she hoped it would give her the answers.  
  
  
  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
I've talked to Devi twice this week. Every time I wait for her to say something, and think of how nice it would be to get closer to her. Then I hear it… That scathing voice of my desires. I want to do something about it, and I think should, at this point. I don't know anymore what I want to find, or what I want to make of this so-called "life" of mine. Before I had narrowed my search to coldness, but perhaps if I left that more open, I could find what is out there for me. It's hard to believe in fate, after encountering such a flawed system in this universe that is now hard at work, but there's no reason not to believe that there's something waiting for me somewhere. I don't know if I'll find it this time, but I can always write about it being there. So once again I intend to escape from this place. I no longer need the wall, the doughboys, or that freaky burger thing. This will be my own revolution, and my own doing. I only hope that I can keep this train of thought when I speak with her again. I should tell her. It won't be permanent. Just another little search, then maybe something can go right. Johnny C.  
  
"But you forgot to tell me that little detail, didn't you?!" she hissed through gritted teeth. With a slight sigh of relief, Devi laid the letters flat on the shelves near by. She would take one of them as a memento of his. She looked out side and looked out a nearby window. It was cloudier that morning, but the fog seemed to part, and now a pastel blue sky above her, the sun gently shining on her face. She was looking out the same window Johnny had looked out of, that night he slept in that room thinking of her. 'Good luck on your search. Don't take too long.'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Epilogue: Johnny (Two weeks later)  
  
Nny sat alone on the hilltop, nothing with him but two screws he had taken from Devi's apartment and a small amount of cash. Thinking about being with her, he wondered if his ideas of desensitization were any good. Before the taunting voice of Meat had interrupted his mind, it didn't seem that having those warm feelings with Devi were all that bad. He didn't want it too be love though. Love just wasn't something he wasn't ready for. He could wait though, until he had better means of managing his life. It didn't feel as damaging now, because he knew that he didn't have to be alone. Devi had wanted him with her. Or at least she now tolerated his presence. Somehow, he didn't feel as guilty for leaving her that night anyhow. The more she had talked with him on the phone, the better she had sounded. He wondered if Devi wouldn't forget him when her mind would finally be free. Lonely, he slid down from the top of his car and onto the grass. He thought of what he could do instead of wasting the night and falling into another state of depression. 'I think I'll go kill some time with an old friend…'  
  
Fed sat in his comfy chair watching TV and stuffing pork-rinds down his throat. It was late, his house was dark and smelly. (( strange choice of adjectives, no?) There was a knock on his door. "Yeah, whaddya you want?!" He growled loudly, without even getting up. The knocking grew increasingly louder. "Son of a bitch, leave me alone!"  
  
Suddenly the door burst open. "You were right about something, Fed. Forgive and forget never was my motto."  
  
Fed's eyes widened in dumbstruck horror. He leapt to his feet. "Shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!" He didn't get it. That insane son of a bitch was supposed to be dead, but he wasn't. Fed ran deeper into his house, clambering, falling over objects and rambling in terror. "Oh shit! Oh shit! Get away from me you fuck!"  
  
"Aw, c'mon. What's to be so scared of? I won't creep up on you like you did to me. I'd rather we just work things out… face to face…" Johnny stroked the edge of the axe's blade with his forefinger, upon entering the house, and locking Fed in.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It's me again! Well, it's done. sigh It's not perfect, but I'll work on more… practice makes perfect! (But nobody's perfect… HEY!!! Stop messing with me!) I hope you liked and all. Don't forget to R/R! Buh bye! -Mystress Nnie 


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